Harry Potter and the Attack of the Hair Killers
by rhian8905
Summary: Niena Ramil is a Mary Sue. Along with a bunch of other Mary Sues and Gary Stues added to this fanfiction for both our, and possibly your entertainment. Final Fantasy 7 references along with a lot of other things only the geekiest of fangurls and boys with
1. Prologue

Harry Potter and the Attack of the Hairkillers

-Awesomely revamped-

By: Niena Ramil and Amee Oran

Prologue:

The train arrived. Finally. After waiting for like, a gazillion-batrillion-million-infinity years, the train had finally appeared. Niena opened her large, majestic, and somewhat demented looking brown eyes and slowly stood up. Mum and Dad had dropped her off a little early. Why wouldn't they? Oh they were so relieved when the letter came, weren't they? How eager they were to get rid of her, weren't they? Well, Niena didn't care. She didn't need mere commoners to appreciate her talents, especially since The Master was just a phone call away.

Ah, yes, The Master. HE always cared about her. HE always listened to her. HE would never abandon her just because she had filled up the house with gaming equipment. HE would always care about her, whether she got good grades or not. Oh, how she loved The Master. His smooth, sexy voice. His kind, yet piercing gaze. His long, flowing, gorgeous silver hair that shone like a brand new Playstation™ disc. Well, the back anyways. Sometimes the damn things would have art on them. But that had nothing to do with…THE MASTER. Her darling, sweet, kind, Master. His strong, muscle bound arms. His long, thick…oh dear, now we're getting carried away, aren't we? Moving on…

Niena sighed and picked up her heavy luggage. Dragging it on the ground, she came closer and closer to the platform, and made her way to a seat as far back as she could possibly get without crossing to the second years car. The Master would be upset she was leaving, but she promised him she'd be back for a visit, and mentioned he could always come by on the weekends. The only problem was she forgot to tell him the address. But The Master always knows the way, right kids?

Soon after Niena had fallen asleep, a few dozen students started piling in, and that of course woke her up. Grumpy, she glowered at everyone who even dared to sit next to her.

"Oh Master, why do I have to be chosen for some special academy? Why wouldn't Mum and Dad tell me where I was going? Why are all these people wearing robes? How did I walk through bricks earlier? Oh Master, I wish you were here. Then you could see all these pretty owls that just came in. Oh Master, I wish I had an Owl. To love. To hold. To comfort…"

"Harry Potter!" Two boys said loudly down a few seats. Niena looked up to see two amazingly tall, skinny, red-haired twins with amazed expressions upon their extremely adorable faces.

"Oh Master, forgive me for this adultery!" Niena cried, looking away as quickly as she could. But what was this Harry Potter they were gawking at? Niena had to look again, but tried not to stare at the miraculous beings standing next to two more boys. One was kind of fat, with bright red hair like the twins, and the other was skinny and pale, with jet-black hair and the dorkiest glasses she'd ever seen. "What a poor soul." She shook her head in pity.

"Are you really Harry Potter?" The fat one asked.

The handsome one nodded, and pulled back his front bangs, revealing a very bizarre scar in the shape of a lighting bolt. Now Niena was intrigued.

"So, that's where You-Know-Who…"

"Yes, but I hardly remember it."

You know whom? Who was this You-Know-Who person that they seemed to know and she most obviously didn't. Why did this Who guy go around putting strange carvings on peoples foreheads? Niena decided that she must investigate.

But first, she would have to finish her nap.


	2. Chapter 1

Chapter One:  
Amee Oran walked brusquely (which is certainly a strange word isn't it?) to her very first Charms class. Amee had large, but very sleepy looking brown eyes, and thick black rimmed glasses which made her look like an emotional sort of person. She was short and...short? Well, now, this is Harry Potter isn't it? We'll have to change that, won't we? Okay, so she was not quite as hobbit-ish-ly short as she was 2 seconds ago. Her hair was very messy, which is strange because in the Potterverse everyone is beautiful, no? Maybe it's a Harry Potter kind of messy, the Potterverse can tolerate that... Well, so this messy, short little thing was walking to her vewwy fwist cwass (aww) when she was interrupted by something very scary and blonde.  
"Amee!1!Doyourememberme?Westoodinlinetogetherlastnightbeforethesortinghatsortedus?OMGYou'reinRavenclaw?Youmustbesmart!I'minHufflepuff!Whereareyougoing?"  
Amee was frightened, confused, and out of it thanks to hardly any sleep because some stupid Asian chick wouldn't leave her alone last night. But Amee was used to this kind of behavior around her, because she was so adorable people couldn't think straight, or at least that's what she thought.  
Amee yawned and then nodded. "Yes...Sheeta?"  
Sheeta grinned. "Yepthat'sme!Whatclassareyougoingto?"  
"Um...I think Charms. Whatever that is." Amee started trying to walk away, but Sheeta followed.  
"CharmsisaclasswhereyoulearnaboutCharms,Duh.Aren'tyoumuggleborn?AndfromAmerica?DidntyousayyougrewuponafarminOhio?"  
"No. I grew up in a city. In Iowa." Amee was getting a little more than annoyed by now.  
"WOW!Sothatswhyyourvoicesoundsfunny!" Sheeta giggled.  
Amee rolled her eyes. "So, what class are you going to?"  
"I'mgoingtoCharmsAdvanced!"  
"Advanced? There's an advanced class? But aren't you in Huffle-"  
"OMGAmeeI'msosurprisedyouwouldeventhinkaboutthosestereotypes!I'mjustassmartasanyone!"  
"I never said you were stupid."  
"OhsonowyouthinkyoursometoughshitbeinginRavenclaw,hm?You'renotevenarealwitch!Youreparentsarenotmagic!Well,I'llseeyouaround!"  
Amee sighed and watched Sheeta storm off in the opposite direction.

"SoIguessyou'reinCharmsAdvancedtooAmee?"  
Amee looked up from her desk. Sheeta was standing right above her.  
"Why are you in here?"  
"Well,myschedulesaidthiswastheroom."  
"So this is actually Charms Advanced?" Amee was befuddled.  
"Yep!Isntitgreatthatwehaveaclasstogether?Moveyourbag,I'llsitbyyou." Sheeta giggled and pushed Amee's backpack off the chair and onto the floor. "OurteacherisFlitwick.Cantwaitforclass,canyou?"  
"Oh, I can." Amee yawned and buried her head back down into the jacket that was acting as a pillow.  
"Youcantsleepinclass,youwontlearnanything!IthoughtyouwereinRavenclaw!Doyouwantapeiceofmyparchment?IgotitatHotSpot.Itspinkwithfaeriesonit."  
"I'm fine, thank you."  
"WellokaythenWOWisthattheteacher!HesREALLYshort!"  
Amee slowly lifted her head back up and was amazed to see something shorter than her climbing up on a pile of textbooks.  
"Humph! Oh, Okay. Attention! May I have your attention, please!" Professor Flitwick yelled over the class in a squeak voice, while tapping his wand handle on the oak desk infront of him. "I'm going to do attendance. When I speak your name, please say the word 'Present'." He picked up a small parchment. "Boot, Terry!"  
"Present!" A large, blonde Ravenclaw said in quite a gruff and deep voice for an 11 year old.  
"Wowhe'salittleontheheavyside,isntheAmee?" Sheeta whispered a little loudly.  
"I guess..." Amee was still too tired to care.  
Once Flitwick finished yelling out names so students could yell right back, he waved his wand around and textbooks began appearing atop every desk.  
"Turn to page 115. We begin today with some basic disappearing charms."

Ari groaned and sat up on the top bunk he was sharing with Boots. He rubbed his eyes and looked over at the clock on the other wall.  
"Shit."  
Ari flipped his gorgeous, somewhat long, platinum blonde tresses. His great, magnificent and deep as the ocean grey-blue-green-other pretty color orbs blinked majestically, "I'm late, and it's the first day! Oh, woe is me! If only my utter handsomeness could carry me to total and complete perfection! And I'm in Ravenclaw! No one shall ever understand me here, especially now that I am late for my first class! Dread of dreads! Woe of woes! Pity of pities! I'm the only Malfoy to ever be in Ravenclaw and the only person who slept in! No one shall ever understand me! Oh, but now I must get dressed in clothes that do not suit me because no one understands me, and I must go down to the class which I am late for where everyone shall hate and scorn me! WOE!"  
He floated out of bed with grace befitting of a Malfoy, and a princess. He was clad in a kingly robe of silver and green, which flowed behind him in awe. He wore one of those floppy peasant shirts, and those tight funny pants that vampires always seem to wear. He flung open his suitcase and gasped. There was a hideous orgy of blue and bronze. "Oh dear! Not again! Always, always I am constantly reminded as a failure as a Malfoy! No one shall ever understand that these are not my true colors! My colors are green and silver! The colors of Slytherin! The colors of Malfoy! The colors...of amore..." He sighed and held his clasped hands to his bosom. The angst filled the room in a shower of dark black tears, as black as poor Ari's soul had become. It became dreadful, really, and after he had put on his hideous blue and bronze robes they had to call Filch to come and clean it up.  
Ari made his sexy way down the stairs and found his way to the Charms class almost without any errors. Even if he was in Ravenclaw, he was a Malfoy, and Malfoy's do everything to perfection.  
He stepped in through the door and sadly found the only empty seat was next to that horrid Terry Boots. How much Terry could one boy take?  
"Hello. Why are you late..." Flitwick looked down the parchment. "Ari Malfoy?"  
Every student gasped. A Malfoy? In Ravenclaw? Was the world really coming to an end? Was Jesus going to come and swoop down onto the Quidditch field and line the students up, taking the good and caging the bad?  
"I...um...slept in, Professor. I'm awfully sorry. I was having trouble falling asleep." Ari hung his head down in shame.  
"Well, since it is your first day, I'll let it pass. But don't do it again." Flitwick gave him a stern look and then continued with the lesson.  
"Please, everyone, with your desk partner, come up to the table and grab a paperclip."  
Ari looked up at Terry Boots, and Terry nodded. He knew better than argue with a Malfoy, and walked up to get the paperclips. When he came back, he had to wipe the seat and table of strange black puddles.  
"Now, on page 115, please read and follow the directions to disappear your first paperclip."  
Terry read the paragraph out loud for the poor, angsty Malfoy, and helped the blonde pick up his wand and whisper the correct words.  
"Okay, say Disaperro." Terry gently grunted.  
"Nobody understands me!" Ari sniffled.  
"It's okay. I'm sure no one will care that you're a Malfoy after this class." Terry gently patted the Malfoy's back. "Now, just say Disaperro and we won't fail today's lesson."  
"Blue and bronze are not my colors!" Ari choked. "It clashes horribly with my hair! It clashes horribly with my skin! It clashes horribly with my eyes! It clashes with my soul!" Ari began to sob and more black puddles appeared atop the desk.  
Terry was a little more than disturbed, but tried to help the Malfoy the best way he could anyways.  
Back at Amee's table, Sheeta was having some problems.  
"DisapperoDisapperoDisappero!1!" Sheeta yelled, and jabbed her wand at the paperclip.  
"You keep saying it with two p's and one r." Amee shook her head.  
"Howdoyouknow!" Sheeta growled.  
"Um...I just do." Amee sighed. She had disappeared hers almost instantly after Flitwick began talking.  
"Very good, very good. Well, we shall continue this lesson next week. Class dismissed." Flitwick waddled off of his stack of books.  
"OhmygodthisissomuchfunIlovecastingspellsitsthegreatest, butit'ssooooooodifficult, isn'titAmee?"  
"Not really..." Amee sighed. She gathered her things and walked out of class.

The tables were filled with piles of food, which makes me wonder, why is it that there are only about 4 people in Hogwarts who are fat? With all that food they eat shouldn't they be as fat as a man who eats Micky D's every day for 3 months? Anyways, the pretty, perfect people of the Potterverse were indulging themselves in a well deserved hour of gluttony.  
"Master...would you want me to eat such things? So many? Master, I need your guidance." Niena clasped her hands in a religious way to her outrageously oversized and much too big for an 11-year-old boobs.  
"Wow. You're awfully religious." Said a male voice behind her.  
She opened her dazed, deep brown orbs and turned to look at him. It was that sort of fat guy who was talking to that dreadful looking geeky guy earlier, "Ah. You were speaking to me?"  
"Yeah. I was just saying you're a really religious person. You never see people like that at Hogwarts."  
"But how can I not? The Master is wonderful. So wonderful," She sighed, "If you knew, you'd understand. You'd say I'm not being devoted enough."  
"O...kay. Well, my name's Ron Weasley. It's nice to meet someone with such big, delightful...piety as you."  
"Thank you. But I'm really not doing enough. My name is Niena Bergin. Pleased to meet you." She closed her eyes again and started to pray.  
"Whoa! Hey! Aren't you gonna talk to me or something? We just met, we should get to know each other."  
Niena opened her eyes, and slowly smiled, "You're quite right, Mr. Ron. But I'm busy right now." She motioned for him to come closer. Confused, he moved closer, "Come to the Ravenclaw girl's dorms tonight. The password is 'Sparkleypoo'."  
"Who picked that one?"  
"Oh, the main prefect of Ravenclaw, Merry Shu."  
"What are we going to do?"  
Niena smiled a Cheshire grin, "You'll see." She stood up and swished out of the Hall as if she was never there.  
Ron blinked, "I've gotta tell Harry."  
Ron ran back to the Gryffindor tables and jumped back into his seat next to Harry. "I have something to tell you, Harry."  
"What?" Harry asked, mouth full of peanut butter jelly goodness.  
"You know that girl I was just talking to?"  
"Yeah?"  
"I'm going to her dorms tonight!"  
Harry coughed and food spilled from his mouth out across the table. "You're going where?"  
"To a girls dorm!"  
"Dammit Ron! This is our first night! Me and Neville already planned playing Dungeons and Dragons! You can't NOT play Dungeons and Dragons!"  
"Harry, sometimes you have to NOT play Dungeons and Dragons. I'm going to a GIRLS dorm. Not some D and D party. I'm going to get me some feminine lovin', not some dragon killings."  
Harry sighed. "Ron, we're eleven. We don't need girls. We need card games and fart jokes. Girls come later."  
"Maybe for you, Harry. But I'm already in the future. Just think, I'll have a girlfriend, and by the way she was acting, maybe she'll even play Dungeons and Dragons with us!"  
Harry rolled his eyes. "Girls can't play Dungeons and Dragons! They don't have the necessary smartz that we have!"  
"I heard that." Hermione sat down across the two idiots. "I've been playing Dungeons and Dragons since the age of five!"  
"Yeah right. I bet you were always the bard and everyone laughed at you."  
"I was not the bard! I'm a level 19 Elf Warrior!"  
"Puleez." Harry laughed, "I'm a level 21 Ogre Mage. I could so whoop your ass."  
"Ummmmm you said a bad word!" Neville scolded shortly after he sat down next to Hermione. Nobody cared, however.  
"Well you know, I'm better than both ya'll." Ron smiled. "I'm a level 23 Orc Healer!"  
"Ron, how many times do I have to tell you, having a higher level doesn't always make you better?" Harry slapped his forehead. "And why does it even matter to you. I thought you had a girlfriend."  
"Ron has a girlfriend?" Hermione coughed. "Whatever. Even I wouldn't date him."  
"No one wants to date you Hermione." Ron reminded her.  
"Oh! How dare you! I hate you!" And with that she ran out of the hall and into a random girls bathroom.  
"Why does no one like me? Aren't I sexy enough? I know I'm a helluvah lot sexier than that girl Ron likes. What is so great about her anyways."  
"Um, excuse me, but you've just woken me from my meditation." Niena stepped out of a stall. "You better have a damn good reason."  
"You! You're the one Ron likes!"  
"Oh, him? Yes, I suppose he might want to be my friend, but I'm not sure I can trust him yet. Don't worry, I'm going to test him later tonight. I found out something most horrific earlier today."  
Hermione wiped her eyes. "Like what?"  
"Well, if you really want to know, we're going to have to do a flashback."  
"Alright then. I could do with a good flashback."  
**FLASHBACK**  
Niena sat in class, looking at the little rodent which she had turned into a pat of butter. She was hungry. Would The Master mind if she ate this rat/butter? Was butter nutritious? The Master always told her to eat things that were good for her, because he cared about her. How he would wrap his big, strong arms around her and say, "Niena, is there something wrong, my dearest disciple?" And how she would smile and look at him and say, "Master, as long as you're here, there's nothing wrong with me." He would smile so wide after he said that and then he would...  
Well, dearie me, this is the unimportant part of the flashback. Let's just skip over this. Now, after Niena had transfigured her third rat she became bored. She pulled a not-exactly pocket sized portable football game, the closest thing she had to her brand new Nintendo Entertainment System out her pocket and her thumb went to switch it on...on...on...ON. ON! ON ON ON ON ON! WHY WON'T IT TURN ON!  
Niena screamed.  
"Miss Bergin?" Professor McGonagall raised a thin, delicately penciled eyebrow. She pursed her old, wrinkly and bright fire engine red lips. She stood up and walked to her, her tiny lacey corset threatening to burst all the while. Her thin, gossamer and of course, see-through robes caught on her twelve inch stilettos. She tried to gracefully free herself from her tangled robes, but ended up falling in a somewhat graceful manner on the floor. Her leather pants squeaked as she got up, "Is there a problem, Bergin?"  
"Th-th-th-the battery's dead or something. I forgot spares." Niena whimpered.  
"Bergin, there's probably nothing wrong with the batteries. They just don't work in Hogwarts. That's why you're not supposed to bring Muggle-"  
Niena screamed again, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT DOESN'T WORK!"  
"Electricity and other Muggle things don't work in Hogwarts. Now if you'll kindly stop screa-"  
Niena screamed again, a long, piercing and heart-rending scream. She broke two windows.  
"MISS BERGIN! 40 points from Ravenclaw! And every new scream will lose 50 more!"  
Niena collapsed, sobbing on the desk, moaning, "Master, Master, I've failed you Master..."  
**END OF FLASHBACK**

"Well, that sounds um...like you had a pretty rough start. I'm Hermione." She stuck out her hand.  
Niena looked at the hand. "Well, I'm Niena. I'm eleven, first year, and Ron likes me. I'm also Masters personal secretary, maid and nurse."  
"Who?"  
"Oh and cheerleader...I forgot cheerleader...and schoolgirl."  
"Who is Master?"  
"You don't know?" Niena was shocked once again. When would people learn? "How can you not know the greatest of the great?"  
"Um...well...maybe you could explain?"  
Niena laughed. "Not here, silly pants. Here, tell you what, you come meet me up in my dorms tonight. You and that Ron kid will both learn the power, the wonder, the gloriousness of my beloved Master."  
"Do I want to?"  
"Yes, you do. And I need help with something else anyways..."  
"Like?"  
Niena looked behind her. "WOW. What is that?"  
Hermione looked up.  
Then promptly screamed.

Professor Quirrell burst into the Great Hall and shouted, "There's a troll...in...the girls bathroom!" Everyone stared. "Thought you should know." and then he fainted.  
"Everyone! Back to your dormitories immediately!" Dumbledore commanded. And the entire student body left. Except of course, for two main characters.  
"Uh...where are you going, Neville?" Harry asked.  
"Well, I heard there was a troll in the girls bathroom, so I thought I'd go into hiding with the rest of the students."  
"Oh. Well now, where did that Hermione run off to?"  
"Hey, I don't see Niena anywhere." Ron cried. "How am I supposed to fall in love if she's not here. Constantly. Forever. And ever. And -"  
"Hm, can I have your chocolate milk?" Harry asked. "I mean, you're not really drinking it."  
"Yeah, I guess so. But you owe me a chocolate frog when we get back up to the dorms."  
"Are you almost done? I think we should be going."  
Neville ran back in. "Hey, just so you guys know, I heard Hermione was in the girls bathroom where the troll currently is." And then he ran back out. Quickly. Very Quickly. So Quick it was like...a flash.  
"Wow, that boy can run." Harry smiled.  
"Hey, didn't he say something about a bathroom?"  
"No, he said something about a Hermione."  
"OH MY GOD!" Ron shouted. But they continued to sit at the table.  
"Dude, she's in the bathroom with the troll!" Harry concluded. "Shouldn't we go and do something?"  
"Well, I don't see why not. I mean, I get to see a girls bathroom AND go to a girls dorms today."  
"Well aren't you special." Harry muttered, and threw away his milk carton. "Come on, I don't think we have too much more time."  
The two boys walked out of the Hall.

"Hey, Hermione was lying! They don't have couches!" Ron said angrily.  
"We really need to focus and getting rid of the troll, Ron." Harry whispered, pointing at the large thing holding two females in short plaid skirts high next to the ceiling tiles.  
"They don't have free magazine racks!"  
"Ron, c'mon now. They could die!" Harry whispered a little louder.  
"They don't even have an orchestra! Hermione said they had an orchestra!"  
"Ron, stop being stupid for ten minutes!"  
And as if a switch in his head went off, Ron was smart.  
"Wingardium Leviosa!" Ron shouted at the troll's club. It floated in the air and then bonked it in the head, rendering it as stupid as well...as stupid as Ron normally is.  
Hermione and Niena fell from the Trolls grasp.  
"Niena! What are you doing in here?" Ron yelled, and ran up to hug and grope his dream date.  
"Geoff me!" Niena yelled and punched.  
"Sorry."  
"What about me?" Hermione cried, rubbing her butt from falling on the hard marble flooring.  
"What about you?"


End file.
